The wild blue yonder

I'm a card-carrying flight simulator junkie. But two elements are consistently absent from these games: airport security and airline safety briefings. I feel much safer flying knowing that everyone on the plane has been thoroughly inconvenienced, humiliated, and (if they did not have one before) given a firm hated of the airline. First up: security. Airport security has several advantages and disadvantages. Let's start positive, eh?

ADVANTAGES:

1) I am reasonably confident that airport security personnel would notice if someone tried to walk into a terminal with an M60 squad support weapon.

2) Because children below the age of seven are technically biohazards, long-distance flights have suddenly become a lot quieter.

3) The security personnel open up a whole range of practical joke options, ranging from explaining that you don't have a bomb unless Sony laptop batteries count to saying, "Say, where is my anthrax vial?"

DISADVANTAGES

1) When they find the person with the M60 they are likely unable to do much because they only have batons and pepper spray. I think the same logic is used here as the whole "no guns in the cockpit" thing.

2) Airports are getting louder as millions of confiscated toddlers accumulate like change in a sofa.

3) While jokes are available, the security personnel seem disinclined to understand and appreciate them. A "tackle first, ask questions later" approach is usually the norm.

I'd definitely say the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. Not, of course, to mention the myriad of paradoxes that accompany modern flight. They confiscate your shaving cream and then, once on the aircraft, give you a sandwich you could use to concuss a moose. Never mind the peanuts. So many people are allergic to nuts that all you'd need to do to seize control of the aircraft is open up the little baggie and threaten to randomly scatter peanuts around the cabin.

Airline safety is even worse than security. My seatback floats? Jolly good! I feel much better, flying over the continental U.S., that if we crash I'll be able to float to safety. Oh, it only floats in water, not air? Doesn't do me much good, now does it? For international flights it makes little more sense:

"Thank you for flying WalletSnatch Air! Your safety is very important to us. Should we smack into the Pacific Ocean at 700 knots, remember that your seat cushion functions as a floatation device and will help authorities locate your charred and waterlogged remains."

Okay, let's say the plane lands in (for example) the Hudson River. Having floaty seats would be nice, right? Think about it for a minute. They (whoever they are) tell people to leave behind possessions in a burning building when evacuating. This prevents excessive traffic jams in stairwells and narrow hallways from baggage. What, exactly, is the inside of a plane but a long, narrow hallway? The last thing I'd want, were I in a sinking aircraft, is to see everyone trying to squeeze out with their seat cushion held in front of them like a talisman. Continuing our briefing:

"We realize that exiting the plane with your cushion may be difficult, so we've rigged the cabin to split in half five hundred feet above the surface of the water. This will enable everyone to exit the aircraft. Located in front of you is our helpful Safety Guide, showing the locations of the 60 additional emergency exits located along the length of the aircraft. Please note that they are not clearly marked; we simply loosened the windows in their frames."

Ah, the helpful safety guide. This little pamphlet shows stick figure representations of passengers being burned alive, drowned, or spattered across multiple counties unless they comply precisely with flight attendant and Safety Guide instructions. Sometimes I think this is an attempt at voodoo by the disgruntled airlines. More recent editions of the Safety Guide for Boeing aircraft show passengers being eaten alive by lemmings unless they donate to Boeing and petition their senators for more Boeing military contracts.

Given what I've seen on Lost, though, I'm not sure I'd want to survive a plane crash.