We are all going to die

I saw a History Channel program on the annihilation of L.A. by Killer Comet. This struck me as vaguely suspicious. I wonder if they are trying to win back to multitudes of viewers they lost because of my post about the absurdity of Death by Killer Asteroid. I assure you, dear reader, comets are equally puny compared to the other menaces facing our planet today. So, I'll continue my list of things that will kill us before celestial objects.

8) Diet plans. I typed "diets" into Google and got about 25,200,000 results. These diets threaten to kill half the population by only allowing carbs and the other half by allowing no carbs whatsoever. The seriousness of the situation is emphasized by the fact that many celebrities and and other famous people are encouraging Americans to eat less and exercise more. Most tellingly, the Feds have gotten involved. This leaves us vulnerable to Federal Conspiracy 173b-496-2a(E).

9) Federal Conspiracy 173b-496-2a(E). This cunning plan is based on the idea that with fewer total voters, politicians will need fewer votes to stay in office. Thus, they distract us by encouraging diets and exercise--even for children!--as they quietly pass legislation legalizing the use of the entire population for the clinical trial of a new antidepressant (Manicvox). 90% of the population dies. The other 10% is extremely happy. The incumbent congressmen are secure for life.

10) Couches. As furniture becomes more and more comfortable, Americans lose incentive to ever get up. Gradually, we become couch-bound, fed by robots, unable or unwilling to stir from our sloth. Heart disease increases. Wal-Mart collapses as clothing racks go unrumaged. The economy topples. We all starve to death. Luckily, because of our fat reserves, this will take almost a decade even after food production ceases.

11) Cute woodland creatures. They aren't all cuddly. Squirrels are rodents, people, no more than rats with bushy tails. Raccoons are basically wolves that know how to open doors and windows. Rabbits can nibble a man's head clean off in under a second (if they feel merciful, which they usually don't). Doomsday on four paws, swiftly and silently padding through the forest and across our front lawns. You think the threats they utter when we walk beneath their trees and around their burrows are idle? Think again. While we eat Big Macs they undermine cities. While we watch football they are figuring out our nuclear launch codes. While we debate politics they are laying their fell plans. At the crucial moment, an opossum will flop down in front of every moving vehicle, bringing it to a screeching halt. As the occupants of thousands of stationary cars are savaged by rabbits (led by Peter "Axejaw" Cottontail), raccoons break into homes and steal every remote, leaving inhabitants to collapse in agony and, after a few hours, insanity. This renders them easy prey for chipmunks. I won't even attempt to describe the aerial attack, but I'll give you a hint: it will make Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds" look like Fred Quimby's work.

Well, four more reasons not to sweat the next four years of Barack Obama's presidency or the economic crisis. At least Dick Cheney kept the pheasant population down.