It's the end of the world...tickets now on sale

I saw a History Channel program on the demise of Los Angeles by Killer Asteroid yesterday. This was the funniest thing I'd seen in weeks, and not just because I'm not a big fan of L.A. I have decided to puncture some of the Killer Asteroid hysteria with a list of seven things that will kill us first.

1) Global Warming. This is a serious issue, but not for the commonly perceived reason. People talking about global warming/climate change is releasing more carbon dioxide and hot air than industrialized China. The earth will erupt into a boiling kettle of human misery (and the polar bears will drown) unless everyone just shuts up.

2) Rap music. Rap music, when played backward, contains a message from Satan. Usually this message is slightly less subversive than the one you'll hear playing it forward. I am personally convinced that the recent upswing in seismic activity is due to the playing of rap. More disturbing still, rap causes pants to slide down men's legs to roughly the level of their knees. This renders us unattractive to the opposite sex. Reproduction ceases. Should rap ever go global, the human race will die out in one generation.

3) China. I am convinced that the Chinese government is eyeing America's natural resources, massive pharmaceutical industry, and folksy charm with intense envy. It is only a matter of time before they overwhelm our defenses and seize control. Our only hope is to become as repulsive as possible to render invading us unthinkable. Elton John, Anne Hathaway, and Rosie O'Donnell are making good progress in that particular arena; we should all emulate them.

4) Political Correctness. I kid you not. The rising tide of post-modernist appeal to everyone's taste simultaneously has disastrous implications. Expecting everyone to stop on red and go on green is so...limiting. Traffic fatalities are only one branch of this poison tree. What about hand washing? What if the infidel fourteen-second scrubbers are allowed have their way as opposed to the necessary fifteen seconds? We'd all be wiped of by a horrible plague!!!!!

5) Horrible Plague. Avian flu received so much attention from the media I'm sure it's killed the entire population of the earth by now. It just took the reporters with it, so no one has heard about it yet.

6) Yale. America's top schools have gone more Audrey II than Ivy League. This is seldom surprising. They tried on Communism in the 1920s-1960s. They rallied behind embryonic stem-cell research more recently even though it is one of the less promising options medically (never mind morally). They jump wildly on the next Big Idea and don't jump off until it has been tried in the real world and proven to kill millions of people. (i.e. Communism and arguably stem-cell research) Which is why, when I propose in this blog that nuclear war might not be so bad, inside twenty minutes riots will be occurring on the quads of Yale, demanding that Bush (or Obama, the fact that he's not President yet notwithstanding) hand over the keys to a few silos. Nuclear war might not be so bad. There. I said it. Start digging your shelter.

7) The Confederate States of America. Need I remind you that the South has enough armed pickup trucks to swarm every major city north of the Mason-Dixon Line? The North, one the other hand, mostly has cows and furniture stores. Once the South controls all of America, it will produce and export fried chicken, fried okra, fried steak, and fried Northerners in unprecedented quantities. The world will have a heart attack just smelling these delicacies.

Well, there you have it. Why even save for retirement?