A briefer history of time

Today, to unwind, I've decided to write a brief essay on the history of the universe. We will proceed, in chronological order, through all the events that really matter to the average reader.

The Pre-Earth Era

In the beginning was nothing, which exploded. Let's think about this statement for a moment, hm? Early philosophers had a phrase for this: "Ex nihilo nihil fit." Roughly translated, this means "Out of nothing nothing comes." I have a more applicable phrase: "Out of nonsense massive federal research grants come." I mean, come on. Scientist get billions of dollars to build huge particle accelerators that smack together things we can't even see and this will somehow help us gain knowledge about the origin of the universe. Riiiiight...and in the meantime a few scientists have a suspicious number of summer houses. Back on topic, all the exploded nothing congealed into stars, the stars formed galaxies, and the galaxies grouped together to form Rosie O'Donnell. Eventually, the humble star Sol formed planets, one of which would become our own beloved earth.

The Dawn of Life

3.5 billion years ago, life evolved from--you guessed it--nothing. Primitive creatures (bacteria, protozoa, the ACLU) dominated the earth until the Cambrian Explosion (which occurred for no reason) populated the earth with myriads of creatures which would later evolve into dogs, cats, birds, hamsters, Howard Stern, and, finally, humans. Lack of evidence notwithstanding, this theory is widely accepted by scientists with a solid fear of the consequences of theism and equally solid ties to PETA.

Civilization Emerges

A few thousand years ago, people began trying to live together in complex communities. I, personally, think this is where stuff started going wrong. I'm not even sure about the decision to come down out of the trees. Anyway, this required the development of government. Here homo sapiens gave rise to homo bureaucraticthickheadedtaxwastingwhoelectedtheseidiots. Aside from the discovery of butter substitutes, few achievements rank higher in terms of sheer WHAT WERE WE THINKING?????

West and East

In time, civilization split into two general realms: Eastern and Western. Eastern civilization developed flight, the internal combustion engine, plastic surgery, and human cloning. Western civilization came up with the feudal system. Marco Polo visited the East in the eleventh century and, out of a sense of fair play, China reneged on all of its inventions except for gunpowder. Given that they lacked guns to go with it, the balance of power between East and West remained basically constant for the next five hundred years.

The New World

America was discovered by Columbus in the late 15th century. The Native Americans tried to explain that they were here first, but Columbus patiently explained what happens when cannonballs hit canoes and the indigenous population quickly ceded right to discovery. The Vikings claimed to have settlements in North America dating back to the ninth century, but given that all the Vikings were dead, no one paid much attention. Gold and silver were discovered in the New World. They are useful only in dentistry and killing werewolves, cannot be eaten, and are too cumbersome and untraceable to easily carry around as currency. Naturally, every European power with a sea port started frantically colonizing and engaging in bloody wars to obtain access to mines.

A New Nation

In the 1770s, some guys had this amazing idea that maybe government should not oppress the people. They are known today as dead. In the 1770s another group of guys had the slightly less amazing idea that government should oppress the people as little as possible. They are known today as the Founding Fathers, Framers, Architects, and the Philadelphia Wig and Stocking Bowling League. Their revolutionary new style of government was based on simple maxim: make it impossible for the government to get anything done in less than a year. This limits the ability of the government to pass or enforce laws and thus oppress the people. Alas, they did not count on the possibility that someday representatives would have hundreds of interns, secretaries, and other slaves to do the paperwork. Now the government can accomplish tasks in as few as three months.

The End of the World

See next post.