Cell phones and the prospect of alien invasion

Everywhere I look, people are plugged into cell phones, iPods, PSPs and a multitude of other fascinating devices. Here we see the second phase of the alien plot. (For the first phase, read "Pets and prospect of alien invasion.") The sudden obsession with electronic means of communication and entertainment is no coincidence. Their original plan foiled by my perfectly timed blog post, the aliens will activate their Plan B. We face a three-pronged attack, some of it already in progress:

Prong One: Golden Brown and Delicious

Irradiate our brains. The constant use of a cell phone is like leaving your head in a microwave set on "defrost." The aliens have spliced into our power grids, put Sony batteries in our cell phones, stolen my aluminum foil hat and basically cranked the power up to "baked potato." This is causing the minds of everyone in the industrialized world to swiftly slide downhill. How else do you explain the popularity of 95% of celebrities? The inside of America's collective head is being reduced to I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. "But wait," you say, "what about all the smart people who use cell phones? They don't seem affected." You are correct. Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Ivan Seidenberg and others seem completely in possession of their mental faculties and business sense. But look at the list: all of these people are affiliated with the manufacture of cell phones and electronics. The sharpest minds are consistently funneled into propagating the very technologies that are depriving us of a future and frying our defenses. This reveals the frightening second prong:

Prong Two: Great Minds Think Alike

Mind control. If you have trouble believing this, turn off your Blackberry and try again. The aliens are using the electromagnetic fields emitted by many common gadgets to influence human behavior. This is the reason behind the recent upswing in "green" living. It will be almost a century before the first of the colony ships arrive, and the last thing the alien military wants to do is spend that time cleaning up after us. They want us to care about baby deer now so they have better hunting later. If you want to resist the alien horde, go shoot something furry from a helicopter and put your soda can in the trash instead of the recycling. I tried the latter the other day, and I felt proudly defiant until my left arm started smacking me in the side of the head until I promised not to do it again. The effects of the mind controlling fields can be escaped only by moving as far away from all modern electronics as possible. This is increasingly difficult because of phase three.

Prong Three: Withdrawal Symptoms

Addiction to technology. This implacable foe forms the basis of the final alien strike. In 2050, when the average person owns two cell phones, a game console, one and a half computers, and a Roomba the aliens detonate 64 EMPs hundreds of miles above the surface of the earth. All electronic equipment fails. Panic sets in as people are faced with the horrifying prospect of face-to-face social interaction. Floors go unvacuumed. Halo 26 collects dust on shelves around the world as consoles are silenced. People, tricked decades ago into switching to electric cars, are trapped in place, unable to flee as the alien vessels descend and spray the world's cities with amped-up Raid.

Fortunately, the alien plan cannot succeed, and not just because I have over fifty more aluminum foil hats. They have badly miscalculated human strength, ingenuity, and grumpiness. You see, we all talk on cell phones all the time but consider it rude, inconsiderate, and irritating when other people do it in front of us. I think that it will soon become socially acceptable to reach over and snap someone's cell phone in half when they take it out in front of you. Game console marketing is so bad that I won't even worry about that avenue.

What if these social advances do not come to pass? We will have to treat the root: Japan. The Japanese government has been in league with the aliens for years, flooding the world market with trendy, useful, and fun electronic products. The only solution is to detach California from our own coast, lug it across the Pacific, and attach it to Honshu. Californians and Japanese will freely mingle. Within weeks, surfing will be Japan's most popular sport, Arnold will be in charge of an entire country, and electronics manufacture will be banned by Berkeley lobbyists on the grounds that it kills baby deer. There will be compromise, of course. California rolls will be banned in favor of proper sushi and Tom Cruise will probably be dropped into an active volcano. I fail to see how either of these would be a problem.

Of course, facing the prospect of fusing with California, Japan may simply sink. I know I would. Maybe if we offered to remove Hollywood first. The rest of the state is really fine. But I digress. One thing remains clear: we must discard our electronics. If you are interested in resisting the alien horde, let me know and I'll provide you a mailing address so you can send me your Xboxes, iPhones, and other mortal dangers threatening you and your loved ones. I will dispose of them properly.