Who's on first? (revised for the 21st century)

Adam Smith: So whose money is being used for the stimulus?

Barack Obama: The taxpayers'.

Smith: What will you do with it?

Obama: Spend it.

Smith: What would they do with it?

Obama: Spend it.

Smith: Why is it better that you spend it?

Obama: They might save some of it.

Smith: Don't they need to?

Obama: No. The government gives The People social security for retirement, unemployment, and the measles.

Smith: How does the government pay for this?

Obama: We tax The People.

Smith: So...they don't need to save because the government saves for them?

Obama: No. We make 'em pay FICA taxes and then spend the money.

Smith: So where does the money come from for social security?

Obama: Some people die before they are eligible for benefits.

Smith: Hasn't the population curve changed so more people are living long enough to receive payment relative to those paying social security taxes? People living too long, essentially?

Obama: That's what government health care will fix.

Smith: So you're implementing government health care to kill off people at a younger age?

Obama: No. I'm implementing it to destroy the evil money-grubbing insurance providers.

Smith: And government insurance will be better?

Obama: Sure. The government can afford to operate at a loss, so there is no need for "profits" (which are really wages stolen from the proletariat).

Smith: Who compensates for the loss?

Obama: The taxpayers.

Smith: So doesn't everyone end up paying the same amount they would pay the insurance companies?

Obama: No. I said "the taxpayers," not "everyone." The rich have to cover it.

Smith: Who's rich?

Obama: People who earn over $250,000 a year. Wait, $200,000 a year. Wait, $150,000 a year...

Smith: But aren't these people often the entrepreneurs and investors who drive the economy?

Obama: Yes.

Smith: Why tax them?

Obama: Because it's not fair.

Smith: What's not fair?

Obama: That they make that much money when the average family at the poverty line only owns one television and most are not flatscreens.

Smith: But don't the poor usually not put as much into the economy?

Obama: They contribute just as much, you racist, classist, bourgeois swine.

Smith: Just askin'. What are you going to do about this situation?

Obama: Tax the rich and give to the poor.

Smith: How?

Obama: I'll start by signing a stimulus bill to jump start the economy. I'm also thinking of taking up archery.

Smith: Who gets the stimulus money?

Obama: The rich.

Smith: The rich?

Obama: The rich. Only they have to spend it on groceries. No business jets or office makeovers.

Smith: Or what?

Obama: Or we crucify them on national television before Congress.

Smith: But does it really matter to economic recovery how they spend the money as long as it gets back into the economy?

Obama: No.

Smith: So why do you care how execs spend the stimulus bill?

Obama: Grocers make less money than business jet manufacturers.

Smith: So we're back to wealth redistribution.

Obama: Such a harsh term...I prefer "enhancing socio-economic harmony with emphasis on the appropriate allocation of capital and the benefits there derived."

Smith: What does that mean?

Obama: Wealth redistribution.

Smith: Why not just let the people keep their money and spend it how they choose?

Obama: This way the government has oversight.

Smith: Oversight?

Obama: Oversight.

Smith: What's that?

Obama: Oversight?

Smith: Oversight.

Obama: I actually don't know. I understand it involves czars.

Smith: American or Japanese czars?

Obama: American, of course. I've put a high protective tariff on foreign czars.

Smith: I still don't get why the government should spend the money. Doesn't that mean that less money actually re-enters the necessary sectors?

Obama: Yes. That's why we are putting the Fed rate on the floor and deficit spending at the same time. We are "loosening the money supply."

Smith: Is that basically the same as printing money?

Obama: Yes. But it's more eco-friendly.

Smith: Does that cause inflation?

Obama: Yes.

Smith: Isn't that, well, bad?

Obama: Only for people who have been saving.

Smith: And they should have been counting on social security?

Obama: Yes.

Smith: But how does loosening the money supply actually help the economy?

Obama: It enables people to pay off mortgages.

Smith: Couldn't they pay them off before?

Obama: No.

Smith: Why not?

Obama: They couldn't afford the mortgages.

Smith: Then why did they get large mortgages in the first place?

Obama: People do silly things sometimes. You know, cling to guns and religion, vote Republican, listen to country music, pay attention to Rush Limbaugh...

Smith: And you are rewarding irresponsible finance?

Obama: Hey, hateful bourgeois scum, some of these people can't pay because they lost their jobs.

Smith: How does loosening the money supply help them? Especially if it devalues savings?

Obama: It creates jobs.

Smith: Jobs?

Obama: Jobs.

Smith: Will that work?

Obama: It already has.

Smith: Isn't unemployment at a thirty-year high?

Obama: No, I mean it got me elected.

Smith: Oh.

Obama: But job creation will save the economy.

Smith: If a job is economically viable, won't it already exist?

Obama: No.

Smith: Why not?

Obama: Yes we can!

Smith: Hm?

Obama: Yes we can!

Smith: Your grammar is wrong.

Obama: Well, CHANGE it!

Smith: You need a comma after the "yes." But quit dodging. Won't all economically viable jobs already exist?

Obama: If by "economically viable" you mean present without government intervention, then yes. We can.

Smith: Stop saying that.

Obama: I can do to you what I did to Rush.

Smith: No, you can't. I've been dead for three hundred years.

Obama: Whatever. Facts never really worried me. What matters is getting people employed. Then production will increase. Then the recession will end. Then I'll be crowned--

Smith: Isn't that what FDR tried?

Obama: Yes.

Smith: It didn't work.

Obama: Yes, it did.

Smith: No, it didn't.

Obama: Yes, it did.

Smith: Have you actually read a history book that some leftist professor did not feed you through a straw?

Obama: The Depression ended, didn't it?

Smith: Only because we had to blow up a few other countries (WWII) and needed the spike in production.

Obama: Well, there you go!

Smith: But the need for more production came first. It was followed by job creation.

Obama: In the absence of countries to blow up I propose job creation.

Smith: Shouldn't you encourage new enterprise by, say, cutting the capital gains tax?

Obama: No.

Smith: Why?

Obama: Because it taxes rich people.

Smith: But where will new companies get money if investment is discouraged?

Obama: From the government.

Smith: How is government money better?

Obama: Strings.

Smith: Strings?

Obama: Strings.

Smith: What are strings?

Obama: They enable the government to control the businesses.

Smith: And that's good?

Obama: Yes.

Smith: Why?

Obama: Because it enables the government to control capital and, eventually, all major industries.

Smith: Isn't that what Lenin did?

Obama: Maybe.

Smith: Didn't it fail?

Obama: Only when the government had to start killing peasants.

Smith: And that's okay?

Obama: If the peasants had ever received federal funding, you bet.

Smith: I'm sorry, but none of this is making sense to me.

Obama: Adam, Adam. If you can' t get the basics you'll never earn your degree in economics. And definitely not from a prestigious school like my alma mater.

Smith: Mr. President...

Obama: Yes?

Smith: If I weren't dead I'd be buying plane tickets for Switzerland. At least they admit to being socialists...