Professional sports and the prospect of alien invasion

Football. Basketball. Baseball. We all seem obsessed with them. I am currently watching professional bull riding, and I'm pretty sure someone is obsessed with that, too. Why? Why do we pay money to applaud as grown men swat little balls or tackle each other or get mauled by 2000 pounds of angry muscle? We waste time, incur the wrath of PETA, and expend incredible resources to watch other people do stuff. Amazing? Obviously. Sinister, perhaps? I think so. It is clear that many "sports leagues" are alien conspiracies to convert us into helpless couch potatoes. Proof? You want proof? Let's start with a look at the people involved in professional sports, hm?

1. Plaxico Burress

This guy is an alien. The Giants' wide receiver was attempting to acquaint himself with earthling weaponry, but he did insufficient homework. As a result, he decided to carry a Glock without a holster, do this in New York state, and pull the trigger while the end with the hole in it was pointed at his leg. As most of my readers who are not aliens have likely deduced, all three of these acts were either illegal, stupid, or both. Surely a human earning a few million dollars a year would be smarter. The only logical explanation is that he is an alien without extensive knowledge of why holsters are important, what New York's laws are, and which end the bullets come out of.

2. Bret Favre

This alien is no longer involved with the conspiracy directly; the aliens did not anticipate that some of their people might actually develop a liking for football. Favre, in addition to subversively introducing the alien system of pronunciation, has become rather fond of his records. He keeps coming out of retirement to further protect them, and will continue to do so for the rest of his five-hundred year lifespan. Old? He's barely past adolescence.

3. Dennis Rodman

Look up a picture. Yeah...I don't think I need to say anything else.

But why? How does the aliens' support of sports benefit them in their ongoing quest to toast us and seize our planet with its scenery intact? Think about what sports do. They bind us, with ever increasing strength, to our couches decreasing our ability to protect ourselves. More importantly, they divide us. Millions of people hold deep, almost religious opinions, about stuff that does not matter. Cubs fans hate Cardinals fans. Aggies fans hate Longhorn fans. Americans own lots and lots of guns. The situation is the same in the rest of the world, except with soccer and blunt instruments. By my estimates, the Global Sports War, with no fewer than 1500 separate sides, will erupt in less than twenty years. When the dust settles, only people uninterested in sports will have survived. In other words, the only people left alive after 2029 will be monks. And most monks are really, really bad at blowing up aliens.

Is there a solution? Of course. We must give monks as many nuclear weapons as possible.

P.S. Come 2029, if you are a Patriots fan, you better hope somebody has mercy on you. I guarantee the entire population of Indiana won't.