Ford is thrilled to announce the latest of our fine environmentally-friendly products, the Gryn (GM already owns the conventional spelling of "Green"). The Gryn represents the ultimate in eco-friendly materials, an advanced carbon-negative drive system, and the most fuel economy of any car in America called the Gryn and manufactured by Ford right here in America-like regions of China. The Gryn is the most innovative product ever to bless the earth with its existence. Here are some of the ground-breaking (but earth-healing) developments!
The first thing our buyers will notice is the absence of hinged doors. Our studies found that door hinges constitute up to 0.034% of a car's weight and up to 0.53% of its drag coefficient. With the hinges removed, the Gryn enjoys an improvement in fuel economy you can only imagine! Entry into the car is made possible by the first major materials innovation in ten years: the glassless window. Drivers are liberated from the frustrating experience of having to roll down windows using the hand cranks currently in wide use by Ford, GM, and Chrysler, and they even are spared the risk of electrocution by the horrible "automatic" windows used in Japanese and Korean cars! Drivers also never have to worry about keys again, thanks to our doorless-entry system and the revolutionary powertrain and engine that gives the Gryn its green power.
Upon entering the Gryn, drivers may notice the absence of pedals, seats, or a steering wheel. We've hired consultants from Apple Computer to re-make the control systems of the automobile and do away with the cluttered and counter-intuitive controls that have marred generations of cars. We've used the same revolutionary system that made the iPod brilliant: the wheel. This propulsive technology has long been favored by hamsters, gerbils, and other creatures of super-human intelligence. The driver and passenger are both slung within ergonomic, round, circular, curved Eco-Wheels linked directly to the drive wheel (the back left tire) of the Gryn. The Gryn even gets the passenger in on the action, allowing the driver and passenger to work together to propel the Gryn to its truly disturbing maximum speed. Steering is enabled by the gimbals securing the Eco-Wheels in place. Simply try to re-orient one of the Eco-Wheels after spinning it up and angular momentum does the rest! The Gryn TryHugger premium model also includes a chart for working out the torque vectors and figuring out how twisting the Eco-Wheels will actually affect the orientation of the car. Our Gryn Sport model features heavy marble rims on the Eco-Wheels for added control and tighter cornering.
Speaking of which, firm and assured cornering are certain on any surface with the revolution in tire design perpetrated here at Ford. Normal tires are made of rubber, which sticks to the road but necessitates the killing of baby deer. The new Earth Whirl tires featured on the Gryn (and soon on all Ford vehicles) are constructed from the most eco-friendly material available: dirt. Simple yet elegant, the Earth Whirl tire is precision engineered from the finest Chinese and Mongolian clay. The tire is engineered to pick up new dirt on some surfaces and shed dirt on others, ensuring that, as long as the Gryn is driven off-road often enough, the tires are continuously rejuvenated! Our testers also found that the tires become sticky on wet surfaces, indeed "almost impossible to wash off," providing hereto unheard of performance in rainy conditions.
What about safety? Many fuel-efficient cars merely compromise safety to attain fuel economy. Not the Gryn! We've taken safety to levels not seen since the heyday of the American auto industry, specifically October of 1962. The frame is made of machined wood with a fire-retardant layer of tar and wax. Body panels are manufactured from recycled newspaper, organic starch, and natural springwater by Mrs. Norton's 2nd grade class. These panels are precision-engineered to crumple upon impact, channeling energy in one side of the Gryn, through the occupants, and safely out the other side. Airbags are available on premium models, along with foot pumps.
And yet, with all these technological triumphs, the Gryn still sets a new standard in style. Regrettably, photographs cannot yet be released for fear of Foreign Rip-Offs and Evil Competition in our Inadequately Tariffed World (and the Gryn seems to suffer damage from flash photography), but we assure you that the Gryn will change your perception of American cars forever. We began the latest version with the boxy configuration of such successes as the Scion xB and Nissan Cube and made the design bolder and boxier. The Gryn features 1904 vintage kerosene headlamps. Old prosthetic limbs mounted outside the driver's side window add style to signaling turns, and a variety of additional hand gestures are available at minimal extra cost for the discerning customer.
The Gryn also has the performance to match its appearance and is capable of running on anything the driver is willing to eat. Tester Mark Winningham managed to propel the Gryn 84 miles on the grease contained within a single order of McDonalds french fries, an astounding 57.3 miles per gallon. And the Gryn is perfectly adapted to the modern American's on-the-go lifestyle. The Gryn goes just as fast as you do!
What about cost? Well, thanks to generous federal subsidies and various death threats from the Earth Liberation Front should the price be too high, the Gryn is available for a mere $13,936, easily edging out such vehicles as the Toyota Prius, Honda Civic, and Ferrari Enzo, while consuming less gasoline than any of the above.
Slated for release in August, the Gryn will be available in one attractive designer color (that's Apple-style thinking again!) and later generations are expected to include cupholders and other luxury items. Buy a Gryn before they are all gone! We don't expect them to last long! Contact your local Ford dealer today to pre-order and sign the necessary releases.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The valley of the shadow
I've heard the expression "You learn more from failure than success" so often I will likely petition to have it put on the list of banned phrases Congress is probably secretly working on. I must admit, however, that it carries a good bit of truth. The precise mechanics of this truth are actually quite interesting. Let's have a look at why failure forces us to learn, why learning from failure is important, and why this matters today.
So, why does failure teach us more than success? Because failure makes use acknowledge that we need to learn. For example, I debated an extremely skilled LDer in the final round at the Milwaukee NCFCA tournament. She won. I, obviously, did not. I'd say that constitutes a failure. It was also an extraordinary opportunity, because I was compelled to evolve as a debater and improve my cases and style. Had I won I would have been disinclined to alter my apparently winning formula. When we lose we see what to change and are motivated to change it. I do not lose rounds frequently, in large part because of the rounds I do lose. I am going the Nationals next week and fully expect to be flattened, at least a few times. And I can live with that. This is my last year, but I'd rather learn how to fry an opponent in college than be handed a trophy.
This ties into why learning from failure is important. In order to survive, thrive even, people must adapt. Companies change or collapse. Nations alter their policies from time to time or fall. Change, though occasionally unpleasant, is an integral part of existence in almost any system. Consider recent political developments. People who wish to retain certain freedoms ought to act now. The pressure is on, so to speak. If you ever want to own an AR-15, buy it now. If you want to maintain full freedom of speech, start writing letters to your representatives. Steps that were unnecessary five or eight years ago are imperative. The political climate has changed. We must adapt to survive. The failure of the right to communicate effectively is an expensive one, but also a lesson that hopefully will stick around longer than the consequences of this failure.
So, why does the power of failure matter today? Put simply, people refuse to learn from failure unless some negative natural consequence attaches. This means that, nasty as it sounds, if someone jumps off a cliff he should be allowed to hit the ground. The more the consequences are softened, the lower the perceived risk, the more people act recklessly. This is known as the Peltzman effect. It explains why accident rates went up after anti-lock brakes were introduced. When the government, for example, prevents banks from collapsing after making high-risk loans based on non-existent capital or saves people financially after they buy houses they can't afford it simply encourages the repetition of these actions. Freedom begins with freedom to take the consequences. No one learns from failure, from challenges or adversity, when the painful edges are blunted or the costs eliminated. Our current government is going to great lengths to ensure that we who walk through the valley of the shadow are wearing blinders and cushy shoes.
Trials exist for a reason. Pain is the one teacher no one can ignore. Failures vary in cost and extent, but their long-term value is inestimable. The restoration of natural consequences ought to be a priority for any government hoping to maintain a stable society.
In all honesty, I doubt it will be at any point in the foreseeable future.
So, why does failure teach us more than success? Because failure makes use acknowledge that we need to learn. For example, I debated an extremely skilled LDer in the final round at the Milwaukee NCFCA tournament. She won. I, obviously, did not. I'd say that constitutes a failure. It was also an extraordinary opportunity, because I was compelled to evolve as a debater and improve my cases and style. Had I won I would have been disinclined to alter my apparently winning formula. When we lose we see what to change and are motivated to change it. I do not lose rounds frequently, in large part because of the rounds I do lose. I am going the Nationals next week and fully expect to be flattened, at least a few times. And I can live with that. This is my last year, but I'd rather learn how to fry an opponent in college than be handed a trophy.
This ties into why learning from failure is important. In order to survive, thrive even, people must adapt. Companies change or collapse. Nations alter their policies from time to time or fall. Change, though occasionally unpleasant, is an integral part of existence in almost any system. Consider recent political developments. People who wish to retain certain freedoms ought to act now. The pressure is on, so to speak. If you ever want to own an AR-15, buy it now. If you want to maintain full freedom of speech, start writing letters to your representatives. Steps that were unnecessary five or eight years ago are imperative. The political climate has changed. We must adapt to survive. The failure of the right to communicate effectively is an expensive one, but also a lesson that hopefully will stick around longer than the consequences of this failure.
So, why does the power of failure matter today? Put simply, people refuse to learn from failure unless some negative natural consequence attaches. This means that, nasty as it sounds, if someone jumps off a cliff he should be allowed to hit the ground. The more the consequences are softened, the lower the perceived risk, the more people act recklessly. This is known as the Peltzman effect. It explains why accident rates went up after anti-lock brakes were introduced. When the government, for example, prevents banks from collapsing after making high-risk loans based on non-existent capital or saves people financially after they buy houses they can't afford it simply encourages the repetition of these actions. Freedom begins with freedom to take the consequences. No one learns from failure, from challenges or adversity, when the painful edges are blunted or the costs eliminated. Our current government is going to great lengths to ensure that we who walk through the valley of the shadow are wearing blinders and cushy shoes.
Trials exist for a reason. Pain is the one teacher no one can ignore. Failures vary in cost and extent, but their long-term value is inestimable. The restoration of natural consequences ought to be a priority for any government hoping to maintain a stable society.
In all honesty, I doubt it will be at any point in the foreseeable future.
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